What Grief Isn't Like

Last night, I took this survey from Slate asking readers to describe their experiences of grief. First, I was asked to identify which persons near to me had died, when, and how I'd felt. There were comment sections, but mostly check boxes that presumed some measure of grief. This became quickly awkward for me since, in my case, I hadn't known the people well (g'mother on dad's side, g'father + uncle + aunt on mom's) and the impact of their passing on my life was minimal to say the least. 


What got to me, mostly, in the initial period, was the don't speak ill of the dead rule. I felt slightly bad for having made so much fun of some of them while they were alive (comic routines based on the few interactions I'd had with them) but my take on my g'mother was so spot on, that what I probably most regretted losing was one of my best lines of family comedy. Later on, though, I started feel like I had missed out on the opportunity not just to know them, but to learn more about my own parents' childhoods - from an adult's perspective. Plus the whole family history thing, which my parents completely de-prioritized. 


I started thinking about them more, and had dreams about them. In the dreams I got rebuked, or imagined whole conversations, rich with detail and understanding, and woke up feeling robbed. I suppose you can't call this grief, and it will pale dramatically in comparison with the death of my parents, to whom I am deeply attached, but it's my experience of death so far.


To be honest, the worst I've felt when something died was when, after 10 days of frantic searching, I discovered my hamster dead at the bottom of glass jar in the back of the pantry. The thought of this sweet, engaging animal, whose cage I'd forgotten to close, dying of thirst in a pile of its own shit, just killed me. I was f-ing depressed for a month.


At the end of the survey, I was asked a series of questions about what people had said or done to support me; did people sympathize with my loss or try to help me get past it? In the case of the relatives, the point was moot. Their deaths, once announced, rarely came up. Death, it seems, is less tragic than inevitable for people you don't know well - or don't like. In the case of poor hampy, my cover was too much work; to claim otherwise seemed almost too ridiculous. In retrospect, I should have held a funeral.  


27. What was the most helpful or supportive thing that people said or did to help you while you were going through your loss?


"Yeah, I killed a hamster once."


28. What was the most unhelpful or unsupportive thing you experienced from others as you were going through your loss?

"I was six."

29. Did your loss teach you anything about yourself? About life?

Don't leave the cage door open.

30. Did anything positive come out of your experience of grief? If so, please describe.

I bought a new cage. And a new hamster.